I want to talk about inferiority and inflation and that trust is a function of security and risk. Based on my relationship with other people. When I myself went to train as a psychosynthetic therapist, I could look down on the assistant. If she was telling me something while I was looking up at the therapist when she was talking about something. I thought, stop talking now so we can get on with more important things, don't take up so much space as an assistant. In other words, what the assistant said was not as valuable and interesting as when the therapist said something. This way of looking at people really limits myself. The same applies to a relationship, a group or a team that must work towards a given goal. At the same time, you should enjoy yourself, have fun, feel trust and develop together.
When I have to introduce myself as a lecturer or process manager, I often show a picture of everything I have done. The picture shows my merits from sports and assignments. Then I put a big red cross over my doing and say: “But this is not I, that's me done and in society this is what is rewarded.” We then miss an important part of ourselves.
But who am I then?
When I talk about this, I usually start by saying that I am knowledgeable, caring, committed, clear and straightforward, and take responsibility. But this is just one side of me and here's another: Many times I can feel insecure, scared, nervous, doubt myself (do I have something to contribute to these people I'm going to speak or lecture to?), I'm gullible and have had some tough times in sports but still choose to trust people and I dare to show myself vulnerable.
Before 2007 when min inner journey started, then you wouldn't have learned the latter about me. I have learned that there are "weaknesses" that I should not show. For fear of not being loved. And thus risk being excluded from the group or relationship. Today I can understand showing myself vulnerable and owning all parts of me strength and for that it is required against. Everyone can show off their surface and facade, because it doesn't take strength and courage. But then there is no meeting between people in relationships either.
My experience is that when I dare to open up and show myself behind my facade and surface, it is easier for others to do the same. Had I not demonstrated my merits to you, I would have stood before you with the same competence, knowledge and experience. But would you have listened to me as much then? Or would you have listened more if Zlatan had been standing in front of you?
We need each other in relationship
What I want to say is that we are all completely unique! Because there is not one more copy of us in the entire universe. It's big when I think about it. When I have enough humility and openness to the person I meet, every person can teach me things. Both about others and myself. Am I willing to look inward at myself and learn from meeting others? I see myself as worth less, more inflated? Can I meet others more as equals in different relationships or groups?
The reason I want to bring this up is the relational piece. It is in relation to others that our wounds arise, but it is only in relation to others that the wounds can heal. We need each other! Even though we don't believe it when we are provoked and receive and give projections to and from each other. This is when we get a chance to look at ourselves, break patterns and increase our self-awareness. But also to communicate in a more mature way. What do I need to feel secure and confident enough to dare to take a risk? In different relationships or groups?
Prata with - instead of om each other
If we look at what characterizes successful groups-teams, this is precisely what it is all about. Knowing who the others are and what they do. What is your role and who are you? - Communicating with each other: Clarity, talking to each other instead of about each other. - Giving and receiving feedback.
The needs triangle is something that I think is important. Thought, Feeling and Behavior are usually governed by a need within all of us to be seen and confirmed. For example, some of you may be sitting and thinking that Lena just talks and talks. It may lead to a feeling of frustration, irritation or anger. Which in turn leads to a behavior where you sit and think about other things. For example, what you are going to eat tonight. And not being present here and now and listening to what I have to say. In the worst case, you leave the room. Maybe some people think that Lena seems to have been involved in one thing or another that I can take to heart. It can lead to a sense of curiosity and inspiration. That in turn can lead to you sitting here in presence and listening to me.
It is said that there is a tribe in Africa where the worst punishment for a criminal is not the death penalty. Instead, the person gets to live in the village but is completely ignored and treated like air. Eventually the person gets sick and dies. That's how important it is for us humans to become seen and confirmed.
The conflict and harmony view
I also think about this with the conflict and harmony view. Do we have a conflict view where we see conflicts as positive, natural, inevitable and enriching. When we have a high ceiling and tackle the conflicts as soon as they appear. But also dare to take it with the person it concerns. Then we have come a long way! (How else are you supposed to know where the problem lies or be able to change your behavior? In any case, you can agree that you disagree).
Do we, on the other hand, have a view of harmony. Where we see conflict as something negative and bad, abnormal, that wants to be avoided, eliminated or suppressed, this usually leads to conflict in different relationships and groups. The basis of everything, as I see it, is to increase my own self-awareness. Both my light and darkness, with the help of my conscious will and my courage as well as other people's reflections. In my relationship with other people, I must own what is mine and not carry what is other people's.
With warmth, Lena Birath
Group leader on Vitalisera, Graduated Psychosyntherapist, Lecturer, Process Manager and Coach.
